Ghosts from childhood
No doubt we have all found ourselves pointlessly searching the store for supplies, most paper products nearly a thing of the past. Over and over I'd find myself searching every store within about 45mins of my house, hoping for toilet paper, paper towels and flour. An endless quest for products nearly mythological.
I knew not finding basics, seeing endless empty shelves bothered me, how could it not? I figured it was just upset over pointlessly empty shelves. In no way do I think this is an end-time situation (meaning the world as we know it will continue for the most part), so I believe people are just freaking out because they see other people freaking and empty shelves. Just as this started I actually overheard someone telling their friend just that, basically. She had water, didn't need water, but when a pallet of bottled water showed up and she saw someone piling water in her cart (before limits)…she went and bought a bunch of water. 🤔 Because of this, I couldn't find paper products or flour, and yes I found it stressful.
Then I got lucky and sort of guessed when shipments might come into FM and went in pretty early…for me anyway. I saw someone coming out of the store with some paper product and it was everything I could do not to run to that aisle. There wasn't tons, but I found both toilet paper and paper towels there. You are allowed two of each, and no matter my views I found myself standing there, staring, fighting with myself. I wanted my two packages, I really did, after all, when would I find more? I'm happy to say I only took one of each and a single bottle of alcohol, buying more than that, more than I actually needed, would be adding to the problem. Of course, I saw several people with the max of everything they could buy, which seriously bothered me, if I could manage to make myself only get one, so could they! But you can't force people to your views can you? Besides, that really isn't cool.
I got home feeling like as storybook hero after slaying the dragon that had been terrorizing the village. Stupid but true, I felt completely victorious.
Once I finally got everything put away (and brag photos sent) I realized that some of the huge knot that had been in my stomach had melted away, I was much much happier and so much less freaked out. That’s when I realized that a lot of what I had been feeling was deeply ingrained childhood holdovers. I grew up poor, for real poor. By that I mean there were enough times that we didn’t really have food or blankets or many other things that most people take as normal. Stuff like that lingers, and now my sisters, mom and I tend to borderline hoard some stuff. I have a lot of blankets, I can’t seem to get rid of any of them. My fridge is also full, and when I start to get low on some everyday food items, I have to buy a replacement quick or I freak a little bit. As if my life is going to end if I run out of salsa! I’m very aware that I have this tendency, and I work hard to keep my childhood issues from overwhelming me. I assumed I was mostly freaked out by the virus, the world has gone crazy and it’s terrifying thinking I’m in a high-risk category. Nope, or rather that crap does freak me out, but a lot of what I was feeling was a holdover.
No matter how far you get from your childhood, that stuff keeps with you. Now I know that’s what the problem is and I can work to keep it from overwhelming me.